My little diary. Day one. 

So, as you know, I suffer with fibromyalgia. But my ‘suffering’ has increased a lot recently. My other half is an absolute angel and, noticing this, he did some research and purchased a CBD oil medipen for me to try. I’ve been considering them for ages but was unsure on what companies to trust, etc. I thought it might help me a lot, and hopefully others who are unsure, to blog about the effects. 
Day one. 

I have no idea how much of it I’m supposed to “smoke” so I tried a few drags this morning as I was having a really bad day with my fibromyalgia. Woke up for work after only managing a couple of hours sleep and the pain was horrendous! My trouble is that I can’t take the pain killers I usually need, without eating, due to how strong they are, they can upset your stomach if you’re not hungry. So, I thought I’d give this a try as it’s been sitting there for a few days. 

I hadn’t really noticed it’s effects until a few hours later, when it wore off. Even on my strong pain killers I was struggling to walk, lift my arms, function mentally and the pain was close to unbearable. This is how I’d felt the night before, and that morning before I used my medipen. I’m assuming that it is the CBD oil that is responsible for easing my symptoms. 

I’ve just had another few puffs now and it’s made me a tiny bit out of it, but I’m also exhausted from work so that could be causing that. But, I can function well enough to write this and I can now sit up with my legs slightly bent. Before this, I was lay flat with my legs slightly elevated due to my extremely sore knees. However, my knees are sore as they have little cartilage, not because of my fibromyalgia. Also, my ribs aren’t hurting anymore so I’m assuming it’s true that CBD oil reduces inflammation too as the muscles and cartilage between my ribs were swollen today, causing pain. 

Of course, these things could be simple coincidences and it is extremely early days, so I may not be singing it’s praises so highly in a few days. But for now, so far so good. 

I’m interested to see if it has any lasting effects tomorrow with regards to improving my pain and inflammation. 

Thanks for reading!

Tourist.

Daily Prompt

It’s been sooooo long since I was a tourist! But, I absolutely love doing the ‘tourist’ thing!

I remember going to London with my politics class in college and I was so excited to do all of the tourist things, which sadly we didn’t have enough time to do all of them. We found a shop specially for tourists and I bought loads of stuff including magnets, lighters, guitar pics and tshirts. Then, we basically just walked round the centre of London near the National History Museum & took photos with everything. It’s a memory I’ll never forget!

Here’s hoping I get to be a tourist again sometime soon!

Taking the good with the bad.

So, I know I’m a negative person, but I think that’s justifiable with my life, but anyway!

Recently, I’ve had things start to look up! I qualified for PIP, which is massive for me! I got knocked back last year an it left me feeling horrendous, but since then I’ve got much worse so I guess it was time to admit I need help. Also, me and my partner are getting much closer to having our own home, which is both amazing and scary. My mum helps me a lot with my health problems so it’s going to be a shock to the system; I want us to have a nice normal life together before he ends up being more of a carer!

The one thing that has been the best example of taking the good with the bad is, I recently found out my half brother & half sister have been slagging me off for things I haven’t done, and for being ill. Obviously, it’s not been pleasant and I’m not exactly happy about it, but who would be? But, I guess I don’t need people like that in my life. I always knew they spoke about me behind my back but having it confirmed was horrible. I am very thankful for the person who respected me enough to tell me what they had heard.

Understanding.

Daily Prompt

Imagine if everyone who told you that they understand, actually understood..

Imagine if they understood the pain, the heart ache, the agony.

I wish I was that person, who listens to everyone else’s problems and says they understand, although they could only hope to understand the smallest part. Instead I’m the person that sits at home crying because I can’t do the things I want to do. My body won’t let me. My anxiety made me push everyone away, but it also makes me aware of how alone I am.

Fibromyalgia and emphysema made me old before my time. But, my brain didn’t age as quick.

My safe place.

I have 2 safe places. For anyone with any kind of long term illness, you’ll know you need a safe place.

Firstly, I have my home. I live here, so this is my safe place. This is where I don’t have to hide my suffering, my pain or any of my true feelings. If I’m struggling to use the stairs that day, I’m sad about it, but I’m not embarrassed. However, if this happened anywhere else, I’d be mortified.

Secondly, I have my boyfriend. ‘Boyfriend’ doesn’t really describe him though, he is my literal other half. I’ve found that wherever I am, if I’m with him, I am safe.

The reason for this post is that some people don’t seem to understand why I don’t always want people invading my safe place. If I am at home and I’m having a bad day with my illnesses, I don’t want a gallery of spectators, I want privacy. It’s hard enough to battle against these problems without an army of sympathetic faces staring at me. I know everyone means well and, most of the time, I am grateful to have so many people care about me. But, I wish I didn’t need to keep reminding people that just because I try my best every day, it doesn’t mean I accept what is wrong with me, or that I am okay with it.

I hate the hand I’ve been dealt.
I try to make the best of what I’ve got.
It’s never going to be okay.

Transformation..

Daily Post

The best transformation I have seen, up to now, is my big sister.

She struggled for years with an over active thyroid, 2 weeks ago she had her thyroid removed and there were complications. But, in those 2 weeks she has gone from being unable to stand without collapsing and feeling so ill she couldn’t speak, to finally getting home and pushing herself to get back into things. Anyone who has thyroid problems will understand that an under active thyroid is difficult to cope with before the medication kicks in properly, so imagine having no thyroid?

She thinks she’s been a wimp because she cried and got upset. But, she cried because the operation should have marked the start of her new life. She cried because it wasn’t, and she felt worse than ever. She cried because she missed her 2 year old son who couldn’t visit her for a week. She cried because every night when we went home at the end of visiting, she had to stay in hospital, on her own. She is so brave! I wish I had half the courage and determination that she does!

Gonna have to raise that..

A couple of weeks ago, I posted The day from hell. But, I have to say that things have got even worse since then!

My sister finally had her operation but there were complications that meant she had to stay in hospital for just over a week while they kept her hooked up to drips and ran loads of tests on her. She couldn’t see her son for most of this, as she was too bad, so was desperate to see him. Also, he’s only 2 and is definitely ‘mummy’s little softy bum’. When they did discharge her, we had to rush her back in the following morning as her calcium levels had dipped again and she couldn’t feel anything. Even once she’d been discharged, things are still manic, which is why I’ve not been posting, I’ve been run ragged.

Also, to add to the horrific situation we were already in, my dad began having the exact same symptoms my Grandad had which lead him to being diagnosed with a high grade cancer. His GP rushed him for a camera the day after and thankfully, his results were clear!

Just to make things worse, I’ve had some other health problems going on for a while and finally found time to go to the doctors on Friday but could only see the nurse. She said I needed to see a doctor, so I went back on the following Monday and I’ve now got to have a scan and then be referred to gynae as everyone seems to believe I need a smear. But, I’m 3 years too young for a smear so have to have the hospital do it as I have all the symptoms.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Things really do just keep getting better..