Manchester is beautiful. 

Although this isn’t along the same lines as my usual posts, I feel it needs to be said. 

Last night, a terrorist tried to destroy us, to divide us and to completely knock us down. But, despite his bomb working, and killing/injuring/traumatising many, his aims were not successful. Everything I’ve seen today from the people of Manchester and surrounding areas, is just truly beautiful. 

People have given so much; their homes, money, time, blood, food, cars, clothes. The emergency staff have put in so much. Some rushed straight in on their days off, others were only home for an hour after a 12 hour shift before the news broke and they were straight back. This is just so purely beautiful. No matter what people have had going on in their lives, they have come together, one way or another. 

❤️

#prayformanchester

One size does not fit all! 

Recently, I’ve come to realise exactly why I kept it private that I suffer with fibromyalgia. Although it did get to a point where I just had to tell people around me because I had deteriorated so much. But, I’ve got people coming up to me who are aged 50 upwards telling me they have it too and that they completely understand my frustrations. The problem I have with this is, yes I sympathise because it’s a horrible illness, but they’ve only had it a couple of years at most. I’ve already had it for 7 years, at least, and I’m 23.

A few weeks ago I ended up in a 2 hour group meeting about self help with fibromyalgia. The main point that they were stressing is that you have to say “goodbye” to your old life because it isn’t coming back. Well, I’m afraid that I just can’t accept that. If I did, I may as well retire and go to collect my pension cause I would be giving up on so much. My friends are all going out drinking, ice skating, shopping days, girly holidays, etc. But I can’t do any of that. How do I just accept that? It may sound like I’m in denial, but in very few cases, people with fibromyalgia get better. I need to be one of those few! I’m determined to be part of the positive rare or uncommon figures for once. 

✌🏻

Denial. 

I am in a constant state of denial. Sometimes it can just take one second to make me realise it. 

I lost my amazing grandparents 10 months apart from each other 4 years ago, to cancer. They both really suffered but we were always there with them, so we suffered along with them in a different way. I’ve had councilling over it because I couldn’t cope with the images it left me with, and the constant pain I was suffering with mentally. I’m not sure how it helped but it did in some ways. I can talk about it now, that’s a big step. 

Anyway, constantly living in denial has left me with something that’s difficult to describe. But, I’ll try. 

I feel like I’ve got 2 lives. There’s the first one, that’s my childhood and everything up until my Grandma getting diagnosed with a brain tumour. The first life ends somewhere around a year after that when we had lost both her and my Grandad, their house was emptied and sold, we saw the real version of my uncle and his family, and we cut ties with them after trying to fix things for so long. Something’s can’t be fixed, it’s heartbreaking that we couldn’t fix it, cutting ties wasn’t done without extremely deep thought and consideration. 

Then, there’s my second life. That one starts around my illnesses getting much worse and I had to take sick leave at work for 6 months. I was going through so many tests, appointments, potential diagnosises, and hospital visits/stays. That’s when my emphysema was discovered and diagnosed. But somewhere in all of that horrible time, I met the love of my life and by just having him in my life I stopped giving up, I refused to accept that my deteriorating health would ruin the rest of my life. Thankfully, my workplace agreed to making some adjustments for me so that I could return to work. My second life is still ongoing but it feels like a ghost life. There are things in this life that are truly perfect and amazing, things that I never could have imagined could happen to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are bad parts, but that’s the way things are. The shadow over this life is that I have these amazing things, and I can’t share them with my grandparents. I can’t ring them to tell them that I just signed the contracts to our first home of our own, I can’t call them to tell them I’ve just found out I’ve got next week off work so I can spend more time with them, and I want these things so badly. I want to take my nephew to see them. I want to see him with them and be able to see the unconditional love that they would have for him. It is so heartbreaking because my Grandad died 6 weeks before he was born and he was so excited to have his first great grandchild. 

I know I’m rambling now but there are so many things I want to share with them. I’d give anything to see them again, to see them fit and well. Cancer is cruel. Cancer tainted my memories of them for so long that I thought I’d never remember all those years before they got sick. I try so hard to focus on those happy memories when I think of them. But sometimes all I can remember is that frightened look in my Grandma’s eyes when the tumour made her so confused that she didn’t know she was sick, so didn’t understand why she couldn’t walk anymore. Or the night that took place 2 days before my Grandad passed away, when all of his bones just broke/crumbled and he instantly lost his mind and just begged for my Grandma to come take him away. I remember silently screaming when my Grandma spoke her last words to me as she asked me to lay next to her because she couldn’t get up due to none stop seizures all over her body, and she told me she loved me, and that she was just gonna take a nap because she was so tired.
Cancer is fucking cruel and is a constant ghost in my life. 

Weird. 

Today, thinking back, I had a bad day. I worked alone on a department that requires a minimum of 4 people to function properly, I had to deal with awkward people and a colleague was taken ill. However, I didn’t leave in a bad mood, and that is what is weird! 

I think that by knowing what I was walking into, I didn’t expect any more than what I got, so I wasn’t disappointed when no one came to help and I just dealt with it. Sometimes I think it’s worse when you don’t know what to expect from your day. 

Also, there were a few occasions were I helped people with things that are so small, but they meant so much. I love that feeling when you help someone and you can see that they genuinely appreciate what you’ve done. So many times I go above and beyond, only to be repaid with ignorance and arrogance. 

It kinda helps that it’s my day off tomorrow too! 😝

✌🏻

Day three. 

Not much to say..

I’ve woken up feeling quite ill today and bad with my chest. However, I don’t think this has anything to do with the cbd oil because I’ve been feeling this coming on for over a week really. 

I tried to have some this morning but it made my coughing worse so I gave it up as a bad job. Hopefully I’ll be feeling a bit better in the morning and can get back onto it. 

✌🏻

Day two. 

I can’t believe I’ve actually remembered to do this post! So proud of myself right now. 

Anywayyy…. this is my second day using CBD oil and I’m still quite impressed. This morning when I woke up I could barely walk between my knees being in agony and my general pains/weakness caused by fibromyalgia. So, when I got downstairs I smoked some of the oil and later on I was able to move around a lot easier. It didn’t completely get rid of the pains but it really did improve the situation. 

Also, I’m not as sleepy now (I last smoked it around an hour ago) compared to yesterday. But, I think I may have the munchies haha. Time to get myself some healthy snacks in preparation, rather than the tube of pringles I’m sporting right now!

One thing I’m really impressed with is that my mood and my anxiety seems to be so different today. I’m doing things I’ve not done for years, like singing along in the car in silly voices and daft stuff like that. It’s as though a bit of the old me is finally creeping on a little. 

Right now, I’m struggling to see cause my eyes want to be asleep so I’ll leave today’s entry at that!